I’ve had a somewhat emotional end to the week, experiencing what I can only call a ‘late 20’s-life crisis‘ – hear me out first before you think I’m being pity!
With all the talk of Facebook turning 10 leading to my post reflecting on where I was 10 years ago, and looking through my photo album for photos of when I was 18, I was once again reminded of just how quickly 10 years goes by – and how I’d never really got to say goodbye to my ‘younger self’.
You could say my ‘life-crisis’ first started last year when my provisional licence expired and I realised I still can’t drive – 10 years on since getting my card! This was the first time I was experiencing the significance of how a decade can go by like a blink of an eye… It was just the other day that I was that enthusiastic 17-year-old who applied of a provisional licence as soon as she was old enough to, with the mission to take driving lessons and own that ‘banger’ the neighbour was selling… But then unforeseen circumstances would prevent all that from happening… For over 10 years!
So with my Media Convergence video project with Cory and Feure based on a story I know too well – Young, Homeless and in Education, it all got too much for me on thursday when I paid a visit to the hostel I had stayed in almost 10 years go. While I sat waiting for the manager to discuss the project with, a friendly young resident shared his story with me which was so similar to mine when I lived there, I had to excuse myself and use the toilet. As soon as the door was locked behind me I cried…
I cried for the 18-year-old girl I’d lost who once lived there. I mourned for her because it was I who stopped her from accomplishing everything she wanted in life – even getting a provisional licence… I mourned because I felt I was still failing her – by failing at university!
I mourned, not because I was regretful, I just needed to let her, and all her hurt out; the insecurities, the fear, and pain, I had held onto for comfort – an an excuse for not thoroughly succeeding in any path I’ve chosen. I needed to bury her and say ‘farewell.’ So in a sense, in that hostel toilet I wept in, I was at the funeral of the 18-year-old that once was a special part of me… And the tears flowed like I’d lost my best friend. It was painful.
These selfies with my reflection in the mirror (is it just me, or has anyone else ever wondered if life’s better on the other side?), are symbolic of me reflecting on the past, but taking only the positive that can enhance my future… I still have another chance at making things better. In 1, 5 or even 10 years time, I don’t want to be having a similar life-crisis, mourning an age of me I let die.
I want to Live, love & laugh – a lot!
Thanks for reading… Sometimes I don’t know how much of my personal feelings I should express in a blog – but on this occasion I felt to let it out… Good bye the past of my 18-year-old – Hello the present of being 28 – and the unknown future still to be written…
Special thanks to my Mexican CS guests; Miguel and Rebecca who were all ears when I let out my grief… The magic of Couchsurfing is when you have guests you think you’re helping out by giving them a place to stay, but they end up helping you in so many more ways x